Gag #2
Posted on April 19th, 2009 by Matt
Important Safety Tip
Posted on April 13th, 2009 by Matt
Take it from me: when working with large objects, safety is paramount. However, even the best of us can be misinformed when it comes to proper safety protocols. This can be true of any key safety area, whether it be avoiding slips and falls, climbing up and down ladders, or lifting large objects, which brings me to my point:
Always lift large objects with your legs, and not your anus.
Seem unintuitive? That’s no surprise. To most of us, lifting with our anus is as natural as taking a breath, and indeed, for smaller and narrower objects, it is the most effective method. But when it comes to the safety of ourselves and our precious anuses, lifting with our legs is the only choice.
Myth: The anus is the strongest muscle in the body.
Fact: This widely-believed factoid is actually a half-truth. The muscles of the anus are indeed the strongest, but only when it comes to clenching. For lifting and lifted-relating motions, the legs are marginally stronger.
Myth: The anus’s sensitivity to touch is more precise than any other sense.
Fact: The anus contains no more touch receptors than any other orifice on the body. Recent research suggests that so-called “anal whispers” are phantom sensations originating in the cerebellum, and studies have shown that anal Braille readers are no more effective than those who use their hands.
Always remember the eight steps to lifting large objects:
Stand in a neutral position.
Approach the object.
Feel the object with your anus.
Embolden yourself.
Ascertain what sort of handles the object may have.
Nimbly grip the object with your appropriate appendage.
Uplift it using the muscles in your legs or anus.
Set it in its desired position.
Just remember: SAFE ANUS!
A note on handles: the type of handles on the object can be a useful hint for determining how to lift it. If the object has two indented handles on either side, or “hand handles,” it should be gripped in the hands and lifted with the legs. If, however, it has a single, plug-shaped, ribbed handle on the top (”standard handle”) it should be lifted, of course, with the anus.
Gag #1
Posted on April 11th, 2009 by Matt
Hey guys; more than a year ago I submitted a packet of cartoons to the New Yorker. I never heard back (MANKOFF!!!!!) and never submitted them anywhere else. Since then they’ve just been collecting dust, so I’m going to start posting them here occasionally. Tell me what you think.
How to Dress up Your Pets and Take Photos
Posted on March 28th, 2009 by Matt
How to Dress up Your Pets and Take Photos: A Step-by-Step Guide
Step 1: Stop.
Step 2: Think about your life.
Repeat until ashamed.
Dear Internet
Posted on March 16th, 2009 by Matt
Dear Internet,
Should I update this blog more often?
Love,
Matt Nedostup
Table of Contents of Table
Posted on March 3rd, 2009 by Matt
1. Wood
- legs
- table
2. Glue
3. Nails
- big ones
- little ones
4. Varnish
5. Inlay
- gold
- crumbs
6. Secret Compartment
- porno
I Made these Sounds with my Face
Posted on January 27th, 2009 by Matt
Ten As-Yet Untapped Rickroll Opportunities
Posted on January 12th, 2009 by Matt
Just when you thought Rickrolling was played out, I dragged it back, kicking and screaming, from the grave.
- at President Obama’s inauguration speech
- at the Super Bowl halftime show
- on every TV channel, repeating continuously, for 24 hours straight
- replacing the disc in random copies of GTA V
- during the safety orientation onboard a flight
- projected on the Moon
- as the only available ringtone
- as the new national anthem
- in your dreams
- at Rick Astley’s funeral
I am never going to give this up.
A Message to America’s Advertisers: Money Does Not Talk
Posted on January 12th, 2009 by Matt
Recently, a new genre of commercial entered America’s radio and TV landscape, and quickly saturated it. In these commercials, actors portraying America’s founding fathers (plus Lincoln) complain, in a modern setting, either about which dollar bill bears their image, or how that bill is being used.
Now there are two reasons these ads bother me. One is that they are annoying. The other is that they paint a disturbing picture both of our most beloved presidents (plus Franklin) and of the afterlife itself. These commercials posit that either these men are repeatedly driven to descend from Heaven and whine about the most superficial aspects of their legacies, or else their souls are contained in all of the existing money with their face on it. This is a particularly depressing interpretation, as it forces us to imagine our forefathers trapped in a living death, forever staring at the inside of a wallet from millions of pairs of unblinking eyes. What’s more, when they are temporarily freed and allowed to speak their mind (at a commercial taping, for instance) they still only complain about car insurance.
Pictured: Regis and Kelly Interview the Bitter Ghost of Abe Lincoln
I, for one, would like to see these commercials taken off the air, and replaced with a more tasteful campaign of my own design. These would be restrained, historically-accurate period pieces, in which the Golden Globe-winning cast of HBO’s John Adams would discuss the future in realistic dialogue, predicting which fast food restaurants and financial websites would be the best in 250 years. Also, I would play Alexander Hamilton.