Re: My Cover Letter
Dear Old Friend,
I have a question for you. Do you want to make great spam? The kind of spam that motivates people to imagine, do, and buy great things? The kind of spam that makes your readers think, “I won’t delete this immediately?” Well you’re in luck – you’ve found me.
My name is Matthew Nedostup, and I want to write spam for you. I am a writer and internet enthusiast with over ten years of online experience, most of which have been spent reading spam. In that time, I’ve learned a few things about aggressive marketing, and am ready and willing to apply them to your product, service, or scheme.
How many times have you wished you could expand your client base beyond old people who don’t understand e-mail? Well I can make it happen. I understand today’s hip, web-savvy youth, and have learned all the techniques necessary to convince them they’re not reading a robotically-generated mass mailing. These include:
- adding incongruous chunks of text from bestselling novels
- prefixing the title with “Re:”
- addressing the recipient as “old friend”
- writing in a sincere tone
and more!
Worried about my dependability? That’s wise. But don’t be! I want to work, so I’ll do what it takes to prove myself to you. Need me to work 18 hours a day? I’ve got herbal supplements that will keep me going for hours with no side effects. Need me to relocate? No problem! Whether it’s a pharmacy in Canada, a brothel in Thailand, or a palace in Nigeria, I’ll be there. After all, as my professor drmariophd taught me at Grand Cayman International Online University, “Spam knows no borders!”
So if you’re looking for a new spam writer, look no further. I’m your man! Hire me, and I’ll make you successful beyond your evilest dreams. Imagine $5000 a week without ever leaving your computer! Your business, and your penis, will grow by leaps and bounds. You can’t afford to turn this offer down! Act now! Send your contact information, along with a $10000 retainer, to the address provided in my attached resume (don’t delete the attachment!) and we’ll start negotiating. I look forward to working you.
Sincerely,
Matthew Nedostup
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