Talking to Myself

This is an oldie; I originally wrote it over a year ago for someone else’s website and linked to it here. That site seems pretty dead now, though, so I’ll post it directly. On another note, how’s everyone liking the new look? Let me know.

Robertha McTastic’s Ultimate Bathtime Guide
How to Soak in Style, Bathe in Bliss, and Wash in Wuxury, the Easy Way!

Ahoy, tublubbers! It’s your ‘Aunt’ Robertha here, back with more helpful tips to ease your slow trudge through life. Today it’s all about the rub-a-dub tub, as I tell you everything you’ll ever need to know to enjoy a relaxing bath. So turn on the tap, pop a Dramamine, and strap on your life vest: we’re going bathing!

Tip #1: Remove Your Clothing First

Do you think Mr. Sweater and Ms. Skirt like having a bath too? How about Rev. Unmentionables? Nuh-uh! I know it may seem like a great time-saver to wash your favorite outfit without taking it off, but trust me, it’s not worth it. Walking around in wet clothes is no fun, and there’s not been a pair of pumps built that can support a full-figured woman after soaking in warm water for 8 hours.

Tip #2: Make a Day of It

Whenever I try to engage one of my coworkers in bath talk, they tell me they’ve never lasted longer than an hour or so (that is, if they’re not a showerer… sacrilege!) If you ask me, you only start to appreciate a good bath around hour 3, so why not commit to it? Try to set aside a good 6-12 hours for a really relaxing power-soak. Keeping a mini-fridge stocked with snacks and cool drinks within arm’s reach will eliminate the need for kitchen runs, and if the water cools down too much, you can always drain and refill the tub (also great for ‘accidents.’)

Tip #3: “One’s Never Alone with a Rubber Duck”

Who needs a boyfriend when you can snuggle up with an adorably asexual toy in the comfort of a warm bath? Certainly not me! Me and my ducky, Orlando Bloom, are best friends, and bathe together every day. When buying your own mallard mate, make sure to get one with nontoxic dye; that’s a rash you won’t forget!

Tip #4: Double your Bubbles with a Bubble Bath

If you’re like me, you might be a little uncomfortable with the idea of spending so many straight hours in your birthday suit. Of course, nothing ruins a relaxing bath like having to stare down at your fat, disguisting, shameful, fat body (water refraction adds 30 pounds.) That’s where bubble bath comes in! Just pour in a thimbleful of this magic elixir, and you can lie back at peace, a thick layer of almond-scented suds shielding your shame from your eyes. As a fun game, you can sculpt the foam into your dream figure, and then smash it in tearful frustration (note: this will necessitate more bubble fluid.)

So there you have it, tubonauts! Aunt Robertha’s ‘no-more-tears’ formula for the perfect bath. Just follow my advice, and take these tips to your heart of hearts, and you’ll soon be soaking in a brainful of pleasure. And all I ask in return is that, while you’re enjoying the best bath of your life, think of me. But think of the young me. And maybe thinner, too.

Tags: Fiction by Matt
2 Comments »

I’ve been seeing a lot of these “Top 10 of 2007″ lists lately, so I thought it was time to make my own. Here are my top 10 moments in television for this year.

10. When I was watching The Office and eating an ice cream sandwich
Strawberry shortcake flavor.

9. The Emmys
I was having a very relaxing bath at the time.

8. When I was watching Letterman and the cat came in
Gotta love that cat.

7. The Sopranos finale
This was a landmark event in the history of television that left everyone talking. I don’t have HBO though.

6. 30 Rock – when they had that guy on who I know from somewhere
God damn it! Who is that guy?!

5. When I was watching the Food Network and I got a boner
No, I’m not going to say which show.

Actually, you know what? The rest of these are all about boners, so let’s not worry about it.

Tags: Miscellanea by Matt
1 Comment »

Well, friends, it’s The Holidays again: that special time of year, the end, when people of all demographics come together and celebrate enjoyment. Regardless of who you are and where you come from, it’s a time that’s sure to make you feel particularly a certain way about your own traditions and values.

By general consensus, The Holidays are considered to run between the date of American Thanksgiving and the end of the Gregorian year. During that approximate month, people from all over the world assemble with their own families or other social groupings to enjoy each other’s company, eat large meals, and perhaps practice religious rituals pertinent to their own faith. It is truly a magical time, figuratively, when warm feelings are shared between individuals and social groupings alike.

In many traditions, the giving of gifts is an integral part of The Holidays experience. Children wait expectantly, either overnight or in the daytime, to open boxes wrapped in significant paper and find cherishable items therein. The smiles or other expressions of happiness on their faces, for many, are a treasured memory of The Holidays worthy of preservation in a photo album or somesuch.

Of course, a discussion of The Holidays would not be complete without an equivocal mention of religion. Many religions celebrate their own spiritual and religious holidays during The Holidays, and all are as equally valid as they are equally fascinating. Jews celebrate Hanukkah (Chanukah/Hanukah/Channukkah,) the Festival of Lights, while their Muslim friends celebrate Eid ul-Adha. Hindus enjoy Diwali, the Festival of Light, while practitioners of Miscellaneous religions everywhere celebrate Miscellanea. African Americans and Latin Americans, while not religious groups but rather Ethnic/Cultural Identities, will celebrate Kwanzaa and Las Posadas, respectively. Meanwhile Christians, of course, recognise Christmas, the Yule Tide, when the infant Jesus of Nazareth, King of Kings, was born unto this world to deliver us from our sins.

Hanging wreaths to represent God’s eternity, Christian families may gather to sing carols praising the Lord’s might and grace. They may even recreate the scene of the Nativity in their yards, showing the Magi clustered around the One True Christ bathed in Heavenly radiance. At midnight, the faithful will attend a service at their local Church, taking communion and drinking of His Blood as they pray for divine mercy and beg the Lord to forgive them their trespasses, as He did before, dying upon the cross so that we may be spared the fires of Hell, where all those who do not take Him into their hearts are destined to suffer eternally.

So Happy Holidays, one and all!

Tags: Miscellanea by Matt
No Comments »