I recently won a contest run by The Apiary, scoring a copy of The Onion’s new book, Our Dumb World. The book just arrived, and looks pretty great from what I’ve read so far.
Incidentally, The Apiary is a great resource for New York-area lovers of comedy and bees alike. I can’t promise every reader a free book for checking it out, but it will likely prove rewarding in other ways. Tell them Matt sent you and get a free blank stare!
Have you ever wanted to be a top poker player? Have you watched movies like Rounders, Maverick, and Coogan’s Bluff over and over, wishing you could be like the slick cardsharks in them? Well, you’re not alone. Many foolish, shortsighted people think they have a future in gambling, but most fail almost as soon as they begin. I myself once dreamed of being a competitive poker player, but those dreams died when I lost my life savings, and then some, to the publisher of The Dumbed-Down Guides for Total Brainless Jackasses. So here we are.
In the coming page, I will teach you everything you need to know in order to win at poker. Please note, this guide is based on the rules of standard Texas Hold’em, and may not apply to other popular variants such as 5-Card Stud, 6-Card Stud, Texas Holdout, 52-Card Pickup, Apple in the Melonhouse, Ring’em-up-Charlie, Fruit Roll-Up, Deuces Wild, Aces Crazy, Aces Deuces, Tennessee Cradle’em-Gingerly, Dominoes, Soggy Biscuit, or Strip. However, those of the above-listed games that are real are pretty much all the same, so just wing it.
Phase I: The Draw Phase
This is where the dealer, or “drawer,” deals, or “draws,” the cards to, or “at,” the players, or “pigeons.” You should receive 5 cards face-down on the table in front of you. This is called your “hand,” because you hold it in your “hand.” Do so at this time. Be careful, however, not to let your opponents see your cards, no matter how politely they ask.
Phase II: The Look Phase
Examine the cards in your hand. Hopefully, they will add up to a “royal flush,” or failing that, a “straight flush.” Other acceptable hands include a “full house,” “four-of-a-kind,” or even “three-of-a-kind.” For a full explanation of the rankings between hands and their respective probabilities, consult a more reputable text. However, many players check their hand to find only a “pair,” or even nothing at all. This is a common rookie mistake. If it happens to you, don’t worry; all you have to do is bluff.
Phase III: The Bluff Phase
The trick in bluffing is to always make your opponents think you have the exact opposite hand to the one you have. If your hand is good, such as a “royal flush,” act as though you are in despair over your terrible hand. Wail, tear your clothes, punch yourself in the testicles (or vagina) to induce tears; these are all acceptable techniques in competitive poker. Your opponents should sense your weakness and panic, thus betting high against you and sacrificing their life’s wages.
If, however, your hand is not so good, such as a “straight flush” or “jack high,” you must act with reckless bravado, as though you have nothing to worry about. Smiling is a good start, but many players will quickly see through that, so bolder strategies must be employed. Insult the dealer, and show disdain for your fellow players. Take the money from your wallet and tear it to pieces in front of everyone. This will display your confidence that you will not need to cover your bets, and the bills can always be taped back together later. Note, however, not to bring previously ripped and taped-up money to a poker game.
Phase IV: The Tell Phase
Remember that while you are attempting to bluff your opponents, they will be doing the same to you. It may be impossible to determine their bluffs (unless they have read this same guide), and so it will be necessary to ascertain their “tells.” Every player has a “tell” which reveals when they are bluffing, and it may be as subtle or obvious as the player’s personality. Some look briefly up and to the left, others tug their collars or adjust their belt buckles. One player I knew would change his toupee depending on the strength of his hand, while another would self-satisfiedly massage his genitals whenever he knew he couldn’t lose. I know my own tell well, but I will not reveal it here, for obvious reasons (he scratches his ear -ed.) Once you learn your own tell, after countless losses, prepare yourself before every game by temporarily numbing the pertinent part of your body with a local anaesthetic, available at any games store or casino gift shop.
Phase V: The Bet Phase
Always begin by betting all your chips. After that, you can play it by ear. Betting low is a sign of weakness, and leaves you open to heckles, wedgies, and titty-twisters from the more masculine players at the table. If you have followed this guide, you should win all your money back plus all of your opponents’ every time. If you did read this guide (hint: you did) and this does not happen, try buying another copy; this one may have an inopportune typo.
Conclusion
Now you know everything necessary to be the world’s best poker player. But before you go out there into the cold, knee-breaking world of professional gambling, take a few pieces of advice I wish I’d had before I had my knees broken. First, remember always that poker is a skill game. Unlike games of chance like Blackjack or Chess, you are never in danger as long as you play it safe. Remember also that any misstep or hesitation could cost you all of your money in the world and destroy your credit rating and hopes for the future. Also, have fun! In the end, poker isn’t about winning; it’s about friendship and the journey. But most importantly, always remember to take the jokers out of the deck before you play, as well as that (hopelessly inaccurate) card that tells you how to play poker. If you don’t, you may win the game, but you’ll look like a total brainless jackass.