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A Halloween Story

Some of you already know that Halloween is my slayvorite holidanger; those who don’t probably didn’t understand the first part of this sentence. Anyway, I’m back at it this year, with a brand-new story that’s sure to make your day scare-ifying!

I’m sorry, that should read “terrifying.”

Enjoy!

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Donny got home from school on Halloween as excited as a ten-year-old boy could be. He was dressed in his normal school clothes, because the principal had decided not to allow costumes anymore, but that hadn’t made the day any less fun. His teacher, Miss Peeling, had let them each have a fun-sized candy bar in last period, and then had played them a super scary tape of Halloween sounds while they sat quietly with their hands on their desks. It had been the perfect combination to whet Donny’s appetite for tricks and treats! However, he had no idea what he was in for this Halloween!

In his bedroom, he immediately got to work on his costume. This year, he was going as a scary ghost, and he couldn’t be more excited. His Mom had even let him use one of her white sheets, the one the dog stayed on when he was sick. Donny cut holes out for his eyes, and one for his arm, so he could still hold his bag of candy. He hefted the empty bag, imagining it full to the brim. He couldn’t wait. Then he put on his completed costume and looked at himself in the mirror. Yep, he was sure to be the scariest one out this night… or was he?

That evening, after finishing his homework and eating a nutritious dinner, it was finally time to trick-or-treat. Donny was extra-excited this year, because for the first time, his parents were letting him and his best friends go out without supervision as long as they wore reflectors and didn’t leave the neighborhood. There was a knock on the door, and there were his two best friends, looking scarier than he had ever seen them. There was Jack, dressed like a brain-hungry zombie, and Stacy, dressed as a blood-thirsty vampire. Jack and Donny had made fun of her at first, because everyone knew there were no girl vampires, but now that he saw her, Donny had to admit she was pretty darn scary. Kissing his mother on the cheek and posing for a picture, he was out the door. Little did he know his evening would be… scarier than he imagined!

Once they got started, the terrifying trio really got started. They hit every house on their block within fifteen minutes, and already their bags were heavy with candy. Except for grumpy old Mr. Bodges, who gave them each a pencil and shooed them away, everyone was really nice and loved their scary costumes. Along the way, they ran into all their scary friends from school and shared tips on the houses with the best candy. It was the most fun they’d ever had. But would it last?

Soon they had visited almost every house in the neighborhood, and they were still hungry for more. Their bags weren’t quite full, but Donny’s parents had been very clear about where they could go, and before long they had been to every single house in the area, even the ones without decorations. They began to fear their fun was soon to end. Little did they know how right they were!

“Oh no!” Jack said, “If we could just go to one more house…”

“But we can’t,” Stacy insisted, being the responsible one, “Donny’s parents trusted us.”

“That’s true,” added Donny, “But I’m sure they wouldn’t mind if we went to just one more house.” In truth, he wasn’t sure of this at all, but he couldn’t resist the temptation. “What about the Spoogy house?”

His friends gasped in fright. “The Spoogy house?! But that’s the scariest house in town!” they shouted in unison.

“Yeah, so?” Donny said defiantly, “I’m not scared!”

“But we promised your parents!” Stacy pleaded.

And so, instead of visiting the scary Spoogy house, the three friends went back to Donny’s house to eat their candy and watch Goosebumps on TV. Then they had a sleepover. As he drifted off in his sleeping bag that night, stuffed with candy, Donny realized it truly had been the best Halloween ever.

30 Rock – Werewolf Bar Mitzvah

If you’re not watching this show, you’d better be one of those crazies without a TV.

Update: Well, it looks like the clip was pulled from YouTube. Enjoy your lack of exposure, NBC Universal!

Update Update: The clip itself isn’t anywhere online, but here is the ENTIRE SONG:

A Partial List of Bad Ideas

I’m something of an expert in these. Every once in a while, I’ll compile a list of bad ideas just like these and sell it to various large corporations and hedge funds so they don’t accidentally invest in any of them. Ironically, this is in itself a bad idea, but I don’t tell them that.

1. Splattex: A weight-loss pill that encourages exercise by preventing the user from moving their bowels except while jogging.

2. A novel with a surprise ending: the first chapter repeated again.

3. Chia genitals.

4. A magnifying glass that doesn’t work.

5. What if there was, like, a guy with feet for hands?

6. NEPPQSACOSREEE: the National Endowment for the Promotion and Provision of Quality, Succint Acronyms for Charitable Organizations, Social Reform Endeavors and Educational Endowments.

7. Fruits and Vegetables: a reality show in which sassy gay men share a house with bedridden coma patients. Every week the men must vote on which patient to euthanize.

8. A Nazi-themed amusement park to be built on the former site of Auschwitz-Birkenau.

9. A dick-flavored condom.

10. A billion-dollar campaign lobbying the FDA to officially recognise grapes as a berry (name to be supplied by NEPPQSACOSREEE).

11. Non-alcoholic vodka.

12. A hot oreo pizza to be eaten as a dessert after a meal of regular pizza.

13. A commercial which attempts to make the aforementioned oreo pizza seem palatable by displaying it smeared on actors’ faces in increasing quantities.

14. A movie trailer which contains the entire film sped up to fit in two minutes.

15. A charitable organization: We Love Bums®.

16. Family friends with benefits.

Post #100!!!

Wow. 100 posts. And in less than 2 years! BoingBoing should be so fruitful.

In all grave seriousness, though, those of you who have stopped reading my blog will surely be aware that I haven’t been posting as often as I should lately. Those of you who are still reading, and you know who you are, should have stopped long ago. Take solace, however, in knowing that although I haven’t been posting, I have been working on top-secret projects of my own; they’re just too good to waste on you. Hopefully you’ll hear about them in the future.

In the meantime, here’s a change of pace for my 100th post: a song. I don’t usually write music, but I came up with this thing while I was fooling around on the keyboard, and after that it pretty much wrote itself. Let me know what you think. And expect some more posts pretty soon, with the more typically inane material you’ve come to expect of me through this blog or personal acquaintance.

My Song