Gay Fantasy Shit
I went to a fantasy-themed party this weekend, and I really got into the spirit of it. I even got this sweet chest tattoo just for the occasion:
I did it myself.
I also wrote some descriptions of fantasy locales to augment the decorations. Check them out:
Mount Peryll
Visible from across the wide, flat world, this perilous peak (no pun intended) is by far the tallest of the mighty Mjontag Mountains, rising over one million gnome-heights above sea level. The mountain’s upper climbs, accessible only by dragon or helicopter, are covered year-round with rare, magical fire-snow. Here make their homes talking mountain-goats, belligerent high-altitude trolls, and gnarly talking trees. At the summit towers the legendary Lode-Spire of the mad prince Crag Loflosstraigh. Here the prince commanded his army of undead birds, and here he kept his infamous “Crag’s List” of arcane magical lore, alchemical recipes, and missed connections. It is said that someday a resurrected Crag will descend from the highest chamber of the Spire and start a successful website.
Gööe Swamp
This loathsome, wyrm-infested mire of cloying mud, deadly sinkholes, and noxious decay is not actually so bad. Indeed, the poisonous giant toads and carnivorous orchids are quite delicious once vanquished, the skull trees rattle pleasantly on a Summer afternoon, and the sinkholes, though deadly, allow for easy garbage disposal. Gööe (pronounced Gøùú-i) is also popular among history buffs and learned scribes as the site of the infamous Battle of Hlongglong between the Elvish forces of Saenel and the Human forces of Dan. The unquiet remains of the slain still inhabit the murky depths of the swamp, grabbing travelers’ legs at random and pulling them beneath to forever join them in their forgotten deathless conflict. A must-see.
The Legendary Smörgåsbord of Strang VI
King Strang’s generosity with food was as infamous as his Queen’s beauty and his skill with the head-lopper. For as long as he reigned, guests as noble as popes and as lowly as dukes sat together at his table and told tales of war, valour and gods, all the while feasting on pizza, chips, and several kinds of soda. But was there cake? The answer is lost to history now, but perhaps, if we remain patient, we will find out…
Sea of Tears
Although legend has it this sea was filled by the tears of a beautiful princess weeping for her lost love, a drowned sailor, this is most likely a simple folk tale, and not legitimate Lore. I mean, it doesn’t even make sense: how could he be lost at sea when the sea hadn’t even been created yet? And what was a princess, a beautiful princess, doing with a sailor, not to mention one incompetent enough to get himself killed? Most experts now agree her tears comprise no more than 30% of the sea’s volume. Other notable sights include R’lyeh, the sunken city of the sleeping Elder Gods, and Fire Island, a popular gay beach resort.
Dry Dry Desert
Stretching more than three thousand moons across, this arid desert is blistering and unmerciful at best, impassable except by three-humped camel. Among its dunes, however, thrive the mysterious Qarabs, a barbaric, warmongering race of dark-skinned, scimitar-weilding, beturbaned savages whose similarity to any actual peoples is entirely unintentional and definitely not racist. Another race, the Egyptoids, also once lived here, and their great pyramid-shaped tombs, called “Alxons,” still dot the landscape, enticing adventurers with the promise of eldritch treasure and delicious mummies.
The Golden City of New Ark
From the magenta-flamed New Ark Lighthouse to the marble-pillared Temple of Jod to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, New Ark is home to more glittering landmarks than you can shake a staff at. And why not? As the cultural and economic capital of this unnamed fantasy kingdom, this ancient city has always been its crown jewel. But be warned: beneath the porcelain palaces and 24-hour vomitaria, there lies a seedy underbelly of assassins, thieves, and rogues with +5 to backstab. Here the intrepid traveller can find the most raucous taverns east of Sodom, and with even more sodomy. A dragon’s scale and change will buy you a flagon of mead, or new mead lite with Splenda®, and the barman’s sure to know a few stories of the Lands Beyond, which to these people is Detroit.
