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Philosophical Questions

These might be a bit tough for you, but keep in mind I’ve got 3 years of philosophical education under my belt. Just try your best.

- You notice how you never get used to the new year until, like, September? But then, you never quite get over it, do you? So there’s a little bit of your mind that still thinks it’s every year you’ve lived through?

- You’re just, like, sitting there, staring into space, and then suddenly you realize something you’d never thought of before. Anything like that ever happen to you?

- If God’s supposed to be a shepherd, then aren’t all of his followers just sheep? Baaaa, baaaa!

-How come you park on a driveway, and drive on a parkway?

-How do you know if your world is real, or just a dream created for you by an evil genius? Or worse yet, a vampire?

-I heard about this guy who quit smoking after 20 years, and then, on his way to the store to buy nicotine gum, he got hit by a car. Makes you think, doesn’t it?

-You know when you see a creepy hobo on the bus? Well, what if he sees you as crazy, and himself as normal? Who’s to say who’s right? I mean, of course you’re right, but still: who’s to say?

-Did you ever notice how “live” spelled backwards is “evil?”

-Get a friend, and one of you lie on the floor, with the other sitting by their head. Then stare at each other’s faces upside-down for a few minutes, focusing intently on the eyes. After a while, it should look like the other person’s eyes are right-side up, in their upside-down face. Isn’t that fucked up?!

-Why?

The Service

I recorded this c. 2 years ago AD, and just unearthed it. Turns out it still bears listening, so I thought I’d post it up.

The Service

Does this make me a podcast? Hell, it doesn’t even make me a sandwich.

Seriously, make me a sandwich.

A Partial List of Near-Rhymes

For any poets or lyricists out there, I encourage you to resist using these almost-rhymes. I know it’s tempting, but giving in will just hurt your reputation.

1. vanish / Danish
2. patience / creations
3. underwhelmed / underworld
4. butter / murder
5. elephant / sycophant
6. formica / for Michael
7. tantric / frantic
8. foot / boot
9. torture / for sure
10. anybody’s guess / Alec Guinness
11. mambo / tango
12. trigonometry / sittin’ in a tree
13. bloodlust / mudflaps
14. Lord have mercy / wore a jersey
15. all aboard / starboard
16. Saddam Hussein / so damn insane
17. hip-hugger / buggerer
18. formed a line / formaldehyde
19. nobody / good buddy
20. global powers / golden showers

A Partial List of Nasty Names

1. “…you fag-sized candy bar!”
2. “…you pile of twelve turds!”
3. “…you spittle-soaked phleghm-magnet!”
4. “…you ‘roid smuggler!”
5. “…you thrice-great prat!”
6. “…you absolute zero!”
7. “…you human chick flick!”
8. “…you gin-plastered rum-canister!”
9. “…you nonresponsive fucking corpse!”
10. “…you slurp-burping tumblebum pedophile!”
11. “…you once, twice, three times a lamo!”
12. “…you trailblazing cocksucker!”
13. “…you Alsatian redneck!”
14. “…you turd-snurfling turd!”
15. “…you tried-and-true asshole!”
16. “…you portrait of the douchebag as a young man!”

Golly, Llama

I just found this great picture on Wikipedia.

If anyone can think of a caption for this picture, they should put it in the comments section.

EYE-RAH-NEE

I’m having a great day at work today.