Talking to Myself

I haven’t posted in a while; I’ve been walking down work alley. Anyway, I’m back with some classic-style limericks. I love these things.

A fellow from Cabo San Lucas
Had a curious buildup of mucus
We would mock him at length
For he hadn’t the strength
Or the air in his lungs to rebuke us

I know of a farmer in Faerie
With a very unusual dairy
His cow’s milk is beer
And as for his steer
You can try it, but better be wary

A classical barber, I’m sure
Would never do a manicure
But if you said ‘please’
And coughed up 3 g’s
He’d slather your nails in manure

Tags: Boems by Matt
4 Comments »

Just now, I got myself a bowl of cereal. There I was, deciding whether to have Sugar Crisp or Corn Pops, when I said to myself, “Gotta have my pops.” Then I realized, as I was pouring said pops, that ad campaign totally worked on me! But it took 10 years! Here I’ve been thinking I was especially ad-resistant, but it turns out all it takes is time to sink in. Who knows what shit I’ll be buying in 10 years? I wonder if they’ll even still be making body sprays then.

Tags: Nonfiction by Matt
5 Comments »

Hi, it’s Caitney. this is great. i haven’t had anywhere to post up these CRAZY thoughts I always think since those jerks at myspace deleted my account. so here are my top 10 pet peeves. if any of these apply to you, STOP IT!

1. Fat Couples
yuck! isn’t it bad enough that you’re ALIVE?! if i wanted to watch a couple of WHALES slobbering all over each other, i would go to sea world and then TEAR MY EYES OUT!!!!

2. My Friends
yeah guys, i know we’re BFFs and everything, but that doesn’t mean i want to see your faces EVERY WEEK!! i have other friends too, you know, and they don’t spend all their time WHINING about how i owe them money!

3. Teachers
you KNOW i’m never going to need to know any of this stuff!! so don’t take it out on ME just because you couldn’t get a better job!!! just let me pass and then we won’t have to deal with each other anymore. this goes DOUBLE for driver’s ed teachers

4. People on the Sidewalk
um… HELLO?! i’m trying to WALK here!!!

5. Myspace
look, i don’t speak your big evil company language, but it’s OBVIOUS we have different definitions of “fraud.” so why don’t you BACK OFF, because my dad’s a lawyer, and once he gets out of jail he’ll totally SUE YOU!!!!

6. People Who Don’t Vote
if you’re too lazy to exercise your friggin’ rights, DON’T WHINE when things turn out how you don’t want them to!!! HONESTLY, they shouldn’t even let these people WATCH American Idol!!!! !

7. My Parents
JEESUS CHRIST!! you act like i OWE you something all the time! listen, just leave me alone, and i’ll talk to you when i’m in college. OK?!?!?!

8. The Sound of People Breathing
EEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWW!!!!!!

9. Ugly Musicians
yeah. um… did you not get the memo? BECAUSE WE DON’T FRIGGIN CARE!!!!

10. Terrorists
GOD! I have enough crap to deal with without hearing about THIS GARBAGE on the news! I HATE MY LIFE!!!!!!!

Tags: Caitney's Corner by Caitney
3 Comments »

After my recent “girls’ names” post, a surprising thing happened. An actual girl named “Caitney,” (one of the names on my list) found my site by googling herself, and got in touch with me. She was a bit bitter about the mocking nature of the post, so as a show of good will, and to avoid litigation, I agreed to give her a little facetime on my blog. So look forward to that.

Tags: Nonfiction by Matt
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I made myself a grilled avocado and hummus sandwich yesterday. I would recommend it to anyone.

Tags: Nonfiction by Matt
1 Comment »

Growing up in a wealthy New York suburb in New Jersey, I counted among my classmates many girls with innovative, upper-crust names, which all seemed to be different permutations of the same phonemes*. Anyway, I decided to see how many I could come up with, so here they are.

1. Caitleen
2. Catlina
3. Britlin
4. Cristet
5. Heavanne
6. Branta
7. Kathlin
8. Parie
9. Kristhmus
10. Caitney
11. Brissy
12. Kattiee
13. Betterina
14. Catchren
15. Heatherette
16. Bresleen
17. Prussia
18. Batly
19. Cthulheen
20. Canasta
21. Chirsteele
22. Braille
23. Pamelot
24. Barstin
25. Caltleeme
26. Brair
27. Clemens
28. Curstinne
29. Barista
30. Kidget
31. Chisse
32. Beasley
33. Croleen
34. Lealle
35. Mercine
36. Barely
37. Chrestra
38. Midgitt
39. Prette
40. Castrice
41. Bellevue
42. Chemi

* an SAT word

Tags: Lists by Matt
6 Comments »

Tags: Media by Matt
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A lot of people I know think all poetry is aloof and pretentious, so I wrote these down-to-Earth, practical haikus to show them otherwise. While reading them, keep in mind they lost something when I translated them from my original Japanese draft.

Employees must please
Before returning to work
Wash their goddamn hands

A bed, forks, knives, gas
These and other pictographs
At exit fourteen

Inside on page three
One may learn the latest from
Brangelina’s baby

Be warned, the subway
Contains a hidden peril
So please, mind the gap

Yes, that may be so
But if you think about it — wait
What was I saying?

Twentysomething male
Seeks companion for long walks
And please, no fatties

Beyond these closed doors
No man dare pass, for there lies
The women’s bathroom

Its days here numbered
This milk is doomed to expire
May Fifth of this year

In the coming days
Opportunity may strike
If you’re a Leo

Say, are those moon pants?
Cause your ass is terrific
Now that’s a haiku!

Tags: Best Of TTM, Boems by Matt
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I offer these to spread the loneliness I feel every day. They’re kind of specific, but if I help just one person break a heart with them, it’ll be worth it.

1. “I can’t stand the eating!”
2. “Yoga has made me a different person.”
3. “I thought my love for you could overcome my hatred for your bird, but I was wrong.”
4. “I can’t be with somebody who doesn’t like ‘Garfield.’”
5. “Then what were you doing at the gym?”
6. “The needs of the many must outweigh the needs of the few.”
7. “You’ve told me you like Mexican!”
8. “I need someone I’m too good for.”
9. “If you want, we could just be ‘friends with benefits.’ Actually, scratch that.”
10. “It’s just my needs as a person of Hungarian descent.”
11. “No! I hate me!”
12. “You promised me you’d never snore again.”
13. “Well, my ex just got dumped, so…”
14. “You knew the toaster was on!”
15. “The time has come to continue thinking about myself.”
16. “How could you be the heir to a Nigerian prince’s fortune and not tell me?!”
17. “I can’t be the only codependent one!”
18. “Well, you made me feel like you were cheating on me.”
19. “The fact that I have to give you a reason is reason enough.”
20. “You just suck.”

Tags: Lists by Matt
2 Comments »

Cafe Vague

Brunch/Linner Menu

All-Day Breakfast (Till 11 AM)

Several Eggs, Any Style

—-With your choice of bacon, hash browns, fruit and toast, or eggs.

Fried Flatcakes

—-In berry, chip, or milk style, served with tree syrup and fresh creamery
spread.

American Omelette

—-Made with farm fresh, grade-A eggs, and whatever else is in an omelette.

Freedom Toast

—-Thick slices of challah bread, soaked liberally in freedom and fried.

For Commencers

“Soup du Jour” of the Day

—-Today it’s chicken noodle, but chances are you’re reading this after
today.

Astoria Salad

—-Lettuce, tomatoes, a different kind of lettuce; all that salad
shit.

Stuffed Mushrooms

—-Grilled portobello mushrooms, stuffed somewhere.

Escargots in Garlic Butter

—-Are those snails?!

Entrees (It’s French)

Spaghetti in Red-Colored Sauce

—-For carb counters, spaghetti can be prepared as one long, unbroken spaghetto.
Served with balls.

Fish

—-A dead fish to eat. Served with the head. Classy.

Our Famous Meat Steak

—-8 oz. of the choicest beef-flavored animal. Served with creamed spinach
and silverware.

Personal Pan Pizza

—-Serves four. With your choice of topping: ham, pineapple, or Hawaiian.

Traditional Mango Slurry Casserole

—-Just like Mom used to make. Served on a plate.

Food Sandwich

—-On bread.

Just for the Kids

“Dinosaur”

Drinks, Spirits, and Liquor

Beer

—-Draughts, domestic, and imported, in unlabelled bottles.

Mixed Drinks

—-A nearly infinite selection of drinks are possible from our make-your-own
cocktail bar.

Wine

—-Our wine list, available on request, features an extensive array of
reds, whites, etc.

Moonshine

—-We do not offer any kind of illegal homemade whiskey. Ask your server.

Deserts (Desserts)

Turkey Farm® Brand Ice Creamy Dessert

—-Try it à la mode!

Homestyle Pie

—-With a variety of fillings. Keep sticking your finger in until you find
the one you want.

Flan

—-I’m not sure what this is.

A Selection of Fine Confections

—-The dessert cart is making its rounds. You probably just missed it.
Keep waiting.

A gratuity will be added to your bill, to be determined by your server
based on his or her performance. And remember our guarantee: if we’re not smiling when we bring you your food, we’re not happy.

Tags: Best Of TTM, Miscellanea by Matt
3 Comments »