Talking to Myself

Following up the dynamite success of my list of recommended baby names, I decided to provide a list of discouraged baby names. By all means enjoy the list, but do not, and I can’t italicize this enough, do not use these baby names!

1. Horny
2. Piledriver
3. Plexiglass
4. Malaria
5. Putrescence
6. Ugly
7. Stalker
8. Dan-mation
9. Frogger
10. Scumbag
11. Accident
12. Guidance Counsellor
13. Gunk
14. Seinfeld
15. Bilgepump
16. Formica
17. Steeltown
18. Hitler
19. Fractal
20. Melanoma
21. Child
22. Blistering
23. Phlililp
24. Planter
25. Mathew
26. The Unnamed Baby
27. Data
28. Traipsing
29. Boneyard
30. Lord-Have-Mercy
31. Sneaker
32. Ohno
33. NASA
34. Slutty
35. Jurisprudence
36. Risibility
37. Tantrum
38. Boneyard
39. Impatience
40. Christophergggg

Tags: Lists by Matt
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I’ve been going to a lot of White Power meetings recently (free Rice Krispie squares!) and so I’ve become something of an expert on the many myths anti-Semites hold dear. Here I’ve compiled a list of some of the more plausible ones for your consideration. Before you read them, please note that I am myself Jewish, strictly speaking, so you’re not allowed to be offended by any of these. Enjoy.

1. They control the Catholic Church.
2. Their noses are so big because they stuff them with gold.
3. Their religion forbids them from eating.
4. All Yiddish words are vulgarities.
5. Lox is cat meat.
6. They eat liquid chicken fat.
7. The flag of the Jewish Cultural Conspiracy is made of foreskins.
8. They bathe in money.
9. They never bathe.
10. They bathe in gefilte fish.
11. Yarmulkes conceal Mark of the Beast.
12. The Holocaust was filmed on a soundstage in Burbank, CA.
13. They control the media (except the 24-hour news networks.)
14. They eat only money.
15. Jewish comedians are produced in a cloning facility buried beneath New York.
16. The Kabbalah is some kind of devastating secret weapon.
17. They started the Black Death because they’re sexually aroused by fear.
18. They seek to eliminate all vowels from written language.
19. They eat only media.
20. They are all homosexual, and only reproduce out of spite and malice.
21. They killed Jesus out of rage at his defiant heterosexuality.
22. Their men crave Christian women.
23. Their women crave Christian women.
24. Their children crave Christian toys.
25. They hatch, fully grown, from eggs.
26. Jerusalem conceals giant hidden Jewish Mothership.
27. They were the model for Sauron in The Lord of the Rings.
28. Also Voldemort.
29. Moses was a pedophile.
30. They are the original vampire.

Tags: Lists by Matt
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I took a walk last night, at around 4 AM. Just wanted to point out how awesome that is.

Tags: Nonfiction by Matt
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I got a request to update, but I don’t have any material to put up right now (at least none that I’m not procrastinating writing) so I think I’ll just freewrite onto my blog. For those of you who don’t know, freewriting is where you start writing and don’t allow yourself to stop or slow down to think about what you’re doing. You just keep writing, stream-of-consciousness-style, for as long as you’ve determined (or feel like) and see what comes out. See? Now that I’ve described what I’m doing, I have no idea what I’m going to write about anymore. I’ve totally exhausted my options. Speaking of exhausted, doesn’t that suck? When you’re really tired? Or maybe not; sometimes it’s fun to be worn out. Not that I feel that way often; I have a pretty sedentary lifestyle. Then again, I do like to get out. I wish spring, the true spring, would come so that it would get warm and stay warm. It’s somewhat not all that cold relatively today, about 40ºF, but it’s also dank and wet out. Depressing. I was looking at the sky today; it’s very overcast, and I was thinking about clouds. On an overcast day, doesn’t it look like the sky is closer than on other days? Like, if you imagine the sky as a solid cover over the Earth at a certain altitude, it seems much closer on cloudy days. I guess that’s probably because the clouds are closer to the Earth, technically, than the limits of the atmosphere, which are from a certain perspective what you’re looking at on a clear day. Ooh, this is getting metaphysical, so I’ll stop. Incidentally, this is exactly the kind of post I promised myself I wouldn’t make if I started a blog. Well, more accurately, the sorts of post that list, like a newspaper article, what’s going on with the excruciating details of my life. Although, being similarly worthless, this post is similar. Anyway, Roger’s fighting a vulture right now, so I’d better pay attention to that. Remember what I told you.

Tags: Nonfiction by Matt
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Have a great voice? Want to break into the acting industry, work with fascinating people, and get paid to boot? Well, maybe it’s time you considered exciting work in baby voiceovers!

What’s funnier than a baby talking with an adult voice? Nothing! EVER!

As a professional baby voice actor, you would make valuable experience and contacts in the television, film, and advertising industries, earn good money, and get the satisfaction of hearing your own voice coming from the digitally animated mouth of an on-screen baby. If you can do any of the following voices, we need you!

For men:
- a gruff Brooklynite
- a wise-cracking dude
- a phony-sounding Briton

For women:
- an impatient businesswoman
- a sassy, in-your-face lady
- a gentle, childlike woman

If you’re interested, send us a recording of yourself on CD or audiocassette saying any of these sample lines:

“Now that’s absorbent!”
“Hey Ma, what’s with this bland old baby food?”
“You’re putting that thermometer where?!”
“Yo, buddy, get your own!”
“I find this quite unacceptable.”
“Oh no you di’n't!”
“Bathtime? Uh-oh…”
“Fuhgeddaboudit!”
“But don’t you want me to be safe?”

Tags: Miscellanea by Matt
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My meth connection fell through for a couple days earlier this week. During those 48 hours, I wrote these jokes.

What do you call the monster you see in the mirror every morning?
Alcoholism.

An old couple are getting ready for bed. It crosses neither’s mind to have sex. They cannot remember when they were in love.

Tags: Best Of TTM, Miscellanea by Matt
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I wrote this dialogue for a presentation I gave earlier tonight on the jargon of beekeepers, but I like it, so I’m reusing it here. The italicized words are all beekeeper terms.

“Hey, did I tell you about my nephew? He tells me he wants to start an apiary. So I tell him, I say to him, ‘Boychick, you make your uncle very proud.’ And I go out and I buy him a Langstroth super, and a smoker, books, everything. Even a virgin queen I buy for him. For him I spend all my gelt. And then his father, the putz, he buys a gantze nuc from that shmendrick Stan Greenbaum and gives it to the boy.”
“So what’re you kvetching about? The child wants a hive, his father gets it for him.”
“That farkakte nuc won’t last the winter, it’s so small. The cluster barely touches 4 frames! And what’s worse, Greenbaum used those meshugge African bees! If they do survive, they’ll swarm at the first honeyflow. And I tell you, if those workers try to rob from one of my honey supers, I’m going to plotz!”
“But your brother’s mishpoche lives across town. There’s no round dance for that kind of distance. You’re just farbissen because your brother bought it for him before you could.”
“Oy gevault. This is what I need from you, you nudnik? And you call yourself an apist.”
“At least I’m a commercial. I support my gantze mishpoche with apiculture. You’re barely a hobbyist.”
“Eh, you’re a shmuck.”

Tags: Fiction by Matt
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I would like to retract the happiness and enthusiasm I expressed in my last post. It has occurred to me since that bitterness and glumth are more appropriate. Today is barely above freezing, with the kind of savage wind that makes you think Spring will never come. I’m thoroughly prepared to be proven wrong on that point, though.

Tags: Nonfiction by Matt
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Yesterday was the nicest day so far this year: upwards of 50ºF, sunny, and clear. That may not impress some of you, but this is Canada, and even not having to wear a coat’s enough to get me excited after four months of Winter.
Because it was so pleasant, I decided to dust off the old camera, dust off the old legs, and take a walk around the city. Here are my pictures. WordPress seems to distort the pictures on the main page, but they should be alright if you go to the post’s individual page (click on the title.)

The view from my bedroom window, featuring the high school across the way.

The obstructed Toronto skyline from the front of my house.

Bloor and Bathurst, facing east. The nearest major intersection to where I live. Very bustly on a nice day.

My favorite movie theatre. Seeing l33tspeak on an old-fashioned marquee is very surreal.

A magnificent dog.

An inappropriately cheerful sign on a former sushi restaurant.

Things for sale on the street. I returned later, because I was jonesing for some brown glass mugs they had.

A streetcar emerging from beneath Spadina Ave.

I stopped for a chicken shawarma. It was so good, I ate it in three bites.

Some sort of sale.

The Royal Ontario Museum, currently under construction. I don’t know why no one’s told them they’re building it crooked. I left them a note.

Queen’s Park, from the North. I am now entering the campus of the University of Toronto. In this distance you can see the Ontario Parliament and the CN Tower.

A famous equestrian. I’ve heard that the horse’s raised hoof means that the rider died after a battle, in this case from being bronzed.

I have no idea as to the significance of these objects.

Hart House and Soldiers’ Tower, looking pretty.

Front Campus, with Convocation Hall, the learning-dome.

University College, the educational institution so nice they described it twice.

And finally, Robarts, U of T’s main library, built to look like a bird. Can you see it? The trick is to unfocus your eyes.

At that point, my camera was running low on batteries, and I wasn’t far from home, so I packed it up. All in all, a lovely day to be avoiding work in Toronto.

Tags: Media, Nonfiction by Matt
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With the help of my secret source in the TV industry, I’ve just gotten the inside scoop on all the upcoming mid-season shows. It’s sure to be an exciting month of programming, so strap yourselves in, TV-heads, and prepare to ride the dial!

Soup Nazi

Larry Thomas returns as Yev Kasem in this fresh, fun Seinfeld spin-off. The old gang might be gone, but Yev sure is keeping busy. With his soup business in constant competition with the Hippie Juice Bar next door, Yev has to try to keep his cool juggling a modern family in the hustle and bustle of Downtown Manhattan. It’s sure to be hilarious, and don’t be surprised to see a few cameo appearances by your old friends from the Seinfeldverse.

Celebrity Makeover: Celebrity Edition

This original new reality show has unsuspecting contestants getting total Celebrity-styled makeovers from secret Celebrity guests. The trick is, they won’t know who their Celebrity stylist is, or what Celebrity they’re being made up to look like, until afterwards, when their new look will be judged by a trio of Celebrity judges. It’s Punk’d meets Extreme Makeover meets American Idol. Meets Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Meets Ambush Makeover. With a dash of Bullfighting with the Stars thrown in for good measure.

Bullfighting with the Stars

tentative

Dead or Alive

This gritty, hard-boiled crime drama takes you behind the lawyers, behind the cops, behind the CSIs, and into the world of a New York City Coroner’s office. Each episode follows the team at break-neck speed as they race to the scene of the crime, then back to HQ, and then back… to the scene of the crime. Starring Matthew Modine, Andie Macdowell and Alex Trebek, with an exciting line-up of Celebrity guest corpses. Not suitable for younger audiences or seniors.

We’ll Always Have Paris

This exciting new short-lived sitcom stars the “hot” Paris Hilton as Florence Doubletree, a hotel heiress with a wild side and a heart of gold. As she juggles her social life, her eccentric family, and her job at a hip New York ad agency, she must juggle them. Gizmo, son of Gidget, the famous Taco Bell chihuahua, appears as her pet chihuahua, Gidget.

Tags: Best Of TTM, Miscellanea by Matt
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