…For more information on the AAPWDUPS (American Association of People Who Don’t Understand the Postal System) send a self-addressed stamped thingy to:
AAPWDUPS
c/o (your name here)
Care Of
145 Honeysuckle Road, 2832 Birch Lane
15th State (Kentucky) – Lexington Kentucky
Town of Lexington in Kentucky
13 Blackberry Drive
Zip Code
Attn mail carrier: Thank you.
Orlando, FL 32801
and put a stamp on it
Expect a reply in 6-47 weeks.
Today’s Hot Topic relates to the ethical concerns surrounding modern biology.
Is it ethical to genetically engineer dogs with little hoofs?
On the one hand, the benefits of having dogs with little hoofs instead of paws are obvious: it would be adorable. But what of the drawbacks?
Some say a dog with little hoofs like a cow’s or sheep’s would suffer leg pain, and difficulty walking on certain surfaces. Indeed, the consequences of having little cloven hoofs on a dog could never be known until one is actually created and allowed to live into adulthood in my house. It is entirely possible that it could all go horribly wrong.
On the other hand, there are those who say a dog with little hoofs that go clip-clop would have an unfair advantage over traditional dogs with paws, thus upsetting the balance of nature. These people argue a dog with tiny little hoofs would be faster and have more endurance, as well as heightened efficacy in scratching itself. In this case, the dog with cute little doggy hoofs might supercede normal dogs, rendering them extinct. But would the dogs of the world be happier with hoofs? Again, there’s only one way to know for sure.
What do you think? Let’s get a dialogue going.
Take it from me: when working with large objects, safety is paramount. However, even the best of us can be misinformed when it comes to proper safety protocols. This can be true of any key safety area, whether it be avoiding slips and falls, climbing up and down ladders, or lifting large objects, which brings me to my point:
Always lift large objects with your legs, and not your anus.
Seem unintuitive? That’s no surprise. To most of us, lifting with our anus is as natural as taking a breath, and indeed, for smaller and narrower objects, it is the most effective method. But when it comes to the safety of ourselves and our precious anuses, lifting with our legs is the only choice.
Myth: The anus is the strongest muscle in the body.
Fact: This widely-believed factoid is actually a half-truth. The muscles of the anus are indeed the strongest, but only when it comes to clenching. For lifting and lifted-relating motions, the legs are marginally stronger.
Myth: The anus’s sensitivity to touch is more precise than any other sense.
Fact: The anus contains no more touch receptors than any other orifice on the body. Recent research suggests that so-called “anal whispers” are phantom sensations originating in the cerebellum, and studies have shown that anal Braille readers are no more effective than those who use their hands.
Always remember the eight steps to lifting large objects:
Stand in a neutral position.
Approach the object.
Feel the object with your anus.
Embolden yourself.
Ascertain what sort of handles the object may have.
Nimbly grip the object with your appropriate appendage.
Uplift it using the muscles in your legs or anus.
Set it in its desired position.
Just remember: SAFE ANUS!
A note on handles: the type of handles on the object can be a useful hint for determining how to lift it. If the object has two indented handles on either side, or “hand handles,” it should be gripped in the hands and lifted with the legs. If, however, it has a single, plug-shaped, ribbed handle on the top (”standard handle”) it should be lifted, of course, with the anus.
1. Wood
2. Glue
3. Nails
4. Varnish
5. Inlay
6. Secret Compartment
Now that the election is over, it’s time to unveil my new awareness campaign:
This November, get out the guilt.
Dear Old Friend,
I have a question for you. Do you want to make great spam? The kind of spam that motivates people to imagine, do, and buy great things? The kind of spam that makes your readers think, “I won’t delete this immediately?” Well you’re in luck – you’ve found me.
My name is Matthew Nedostup, and I want to write spam for you. I am a writer and internet enthusiast with over ten years of online experience, most of which have been spent reading spam. In that time, I’ve learned a few things about aggressive marketing, and am ready and willing to apply them to your product, service, or scheme.
How many times have you wished you could expand your client base beyond old people who don’t understand e-mail? Well I can make it happen. I understand today’s hip, web-savvy youth, and have learned all the techniques necessary to convince them they’re not reading a robotically-generated mass mailing. These include:
and more!
Worried about my dependability? That’s wise. But don’t be! I want to work, so I’ll do what it takes to prove myself to you. Need me to work 18 hours a day? I’ve got herbal supplements that will keep me going for hours with no side effects. Need me to relocate? No problem! Whether it’s a pharmacy in Canada, a brothel in Thailand, or a palace in Nigeria, I’ll be there. After all, as my professor drmariophd taught me at Grand Cayman International Online University, “Spam knows no borders!”
So if you’re looking for a new spam writer, look no further. I’m your man! Hire me, and I’ll make you successful beyond your evilest dreams. Imagine $5000 a week without ever leaving your computer! Your business, and your penis, will grow by leaps and bounds. You can’t afford to turn this offer down! Act now! Send your contact information, along with a $10000 retainer, to the address provided in my attached resume (don’t delete the attachment!) and we’ll start negotiating. I look forward to working you.
Sincerely,
Matthew Nedostup
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Who doesn’t like a good riddle? The answers are printed in white after their respective questions. Highlight each after you’ve given up on answering it yourself. Thanks to Nick for his contributions.
-What’s the sound of two hands clapping in outer space?
Trick question! There’s no sound in space, and also, if you were exposed to the vacuum, you would either be dead or in the process of dying; either way, in no position to applaud.
-How many ducklings does a duck give birth to at a time?
None! Ducks don’t give birth, hens do. A female duck is called a hen.
-What is deeper than the deepest sea
Yet taller than the tallest living tree
Is bigger than the very Earth itself
Yet smaller than the smallest tiny elf
Has strength to lift the greatest mountains up
Yet cannot tip a child’s wooden cup
Is older than the galaxy’s first morn
And yet this morning still has not been born
God.
-What was Abraham Lincoln wearing when he was stabbed?
Trick question! He wasn’t stabbed, he was shot.
-Detective Clomper arrives at the scene of the crime a bit late; the bodies have already been removed, and replaced with white chalk outlines on the floor. He can make out the shape of two young girls, clearly, he is told, victims of a brutal strangulation. The chalk provides a gruesome snapshot of how their limbs must have flailed about in the frantic desparation of their last moments, and, at the particular instant life finally left their young bodies, stopped flailing altogether. There is no blood to be found anywhere. No weapon has been identified. A police chief is talking to his colleagues, informing them that the crime was committed many hours earlier, and the murderer is likely miles away by now. How does Detective Clomper know this is untrue?
Detective Clomper is the murderer.
-I have a face, but no eyes.
I have three hands, but no fingers.
I have a wristband, but no wrist.
I tell the time, but have no watch.
What am I?
A watch!
-You awaken on a beaten stone path in the middle of a dense and fearsome forest. You have no memory of who you are or where you’ve come from. You carry a sword in one hand, and a crumbling parchment in the other. The parchment contains writing in ancient runes you have never laid eyes upon before… at least, not that you can remember… Around your waist is a pouch fashioned from the finest dragonskin. It contains 4 gold kronors, a few mysterious herbs, a black stone, and enough rations to last only a short week. A sense of urgency dawns on you. As you look at your surroundings, you realize how savage they indeed are. You know you must get out of here and seek civilisation before your supplies run out, and before this forgotten forest eats you alive. You consider the beaten stone path and wonder which direction to go. Surely, if you choose poorly, you will be lead deeper into the heart of this unforgiving wood, these treacherous thickets. What doest thou chooseth to do?
Head north, toward the nearest town.
-A male nurse and his son, a Women’s Studies major at Vassar, are in a serious car accident. The man is instantly killed, and the boy is rushed to the nearest emergency room. Once he is on the operating table, the doctor, who is as competent and accomplished as any of his/her colleagues, but whose unisex scrubs and face mask make identification impossible, says, “I can not operate on this male Women’s Studies major; he’s my son.” How is this even possible?
The doctor is his mother, you sexist piece of shit!
-What have I got in my pockets?
Trick question! I’m naked.
I’ve been seeing a lot of these “Top 10 of 2007″ lists lately, so I thought it was time to make my own. Here are my top 10 moments in television for this year.
10. When I was watching The Office and eating an ice cream sandwich
Strawberry shortcake flavor.
9. The Emmys
I was having a very relaxing bath at the time.
8. When I was watching Letterman and the cat came in
Gotta love that cat.
7. The Sopranos finale
This was a landmark event in the history of television that left everyone talking. I don’t have HBO though.
6. 30 Rock – when they had that guy on who I know from somewhere
God damn it! Who is that guy?!
5. When I was watching the Food Network and I got a boner
No, I’m not going to say which show.
Actually, you know what? The rest of these are all about boners, so let’s not worry about it.
Well, friends, it’s The Holidays again: that special time of year, the end, when people of all demographics come together and celebrate enjoyment. Regardless of who you are and where you come from, it’s a time that’s sure to make you feel particularly a certain way about your own traditions and values.
By general consensus, The Holidays are considered to run between the date of American Thanksgiving and the end of the Gregorian year. During that approximate month, people from all over the world assemble with their own families or other social groupings to enjoy each other’s company, eat large meals, and perhaps practice religious rituals pertinent to their own faith. It is truly a magical time, figuratively, when warm feelings are shared between individuals and social groupings alike.
In many traditions, the giving of gifts is an integral part of The Holidays experience. Children wait expectantly, either overnight or in the daytime, to open boxes wrapped in significant paper and find cherishable items therein. The smiles or other expressions of happiness on their faces, for many, are a treasured memory of The Holidays worthy of preservation in a photo album or somesuch.
Of course, a discussion of The Holidays would not be complete without an equivocal mention of religion. Many religions celebrate their own spiritual and religious holidays during The Holidays, and all are as equally valid as they are equally fascinating. Jews celebrate Hanukkah (Chanukah/Hanukah/Channukkah,) the Festival of Lights, while their Muslim friends celebrate Eid ul-Adha. Hindus enjoy Diwali, the Festival of Light, while practitioners of Miscellaneous religions everywhere celebrate Miscellanea. African Americans and Latin Americans, while not religious groups but rather Ethnic/Cultural Identities, will celebrate Kwanzaa and Las Posadas, respectively. Meanwhile Christians, of course, recognise Christmas, the Yule Tide, when the infant Jesus of Nazareth, King of Kings, was born unto this world to deliver us from our sins.
Hanging wreaths to represent God’s eternity, Christian families may gather to sing carols praising the Lord’s might and grace. They may even recreate the scene of the Nativity in their yards, showing the Magi clustered around the One True Christ bathed in Heavenly radiance. At midnight, the faithful will attend a service at their local Church, taking communion and drinking of His Blood as they pray for divine mercy and beg the Lord to forgive them their trespasses, as He did before, dying upon the cross so that we may be spared the fires of Hell, where all those who do not take Him into their hearts are destined to suffer eternally.
So Happy Holidays, one and all!
Have you ever wanted to be a top poker player? Have you watched movies like Rounders, Maverick, and Coogan’s Bluff over and over, wishing you could be like the slick cardsharks in them? Well, you’re not alone. Many foolish, shortsighted people think they have a future in gambling, but most fail almost as soon as they begin. I myself once dreamed of being a competitive poker player, but those dreams died when I lost my life savings, and then some, to the publisher of The Dumbed-Down Guides for Total Brainless Jackasses. So here we are.
In the coming page, I will teach you everything you need to know in order to win at poker. Please note, this guide is based on the rules of standard Texas Hold’em, and may not apply to other popular variants such as 5-Card Stud, 6-Card Stud, Texas Holdout, 52-Card Pickup, Apple in the Melonhouse, Ring’em-up-Charlie, Fruit Roll-Up, Deuces Wild, Aces Crazy, Aces Deuces, Tennessee Cradle’em-Gingerly, Dominoes, Soggy Biscuit, or Strip. However, those of the above-listed games that are real are pretty much all the same, so just wing it.
Phase I: The Draw Phase
This is where the dealer, or “drawer,” deals, or “draws,” the cards to, or “at,” the players, or “pigeons.” You should receive 5 cards face-down on the table in front of you. This is called your “hand,” because you hold it in your “hand.” Do so at this time. Be careful, however, not to let your opponents see your cards, no matter how politely they ask.
Phase II: The Look Phase
Examine the cards in your hand. Hopefully, they will add up to a “royal flush,” or failing that, a “straight flush.” Other acceptable hands include a “full house,” “four-of-a-kind,” or even “three-of-a-kind.” For a full explanation of the rankings between hands and their respective probabilities, consult a more reputable text. However, many players check their hand to find only a “pair,” or even nothing at all. This is a common rookie mistake. If it happens to you, don’t worry; all you have to do is bluff.
Phase III: The Bluff Phase
The trick in bluffing is to always make your opponents think you have the exact opposite hand to the one you have. If your hand is good, such as a “royal flush,” act as though you are in despair over your terrible hand. Wail, tear your clothes, punch yourself in the testicles (or vagina) to induce tears; these are all acceptable techniques in competitive poker. Your opponents should sense your weakness and panic, thus betting high against you and sacrificing their life’s wages.
If, however, your hand is not so good, such as a “straight flush” or “jack high,” you must act with reckless bravado, as though you have nothing to worry about. Smiling is a good start, but many players will quickly see through that, so bolder strategies must be employed. Insult the dealer, and show disdain for your fellow players. Take the money from your wallet and tear it to pieces in front of everyone. This will display your confidence that you will not need to cover your bets, and the bills can always be taped back together later. Note, however, not to bring previously ripped and taped-up money to a poker game.
Phase IV: The Tell Phase
Remember that while you are attempting to bluff your opponents, they will be doing the same to you. It may be impossible to determine their bluffs (unless they have read this same guide), and so it will be necessary to ascertain their “tells.” Every player has a “tell” which reveals when they are bluffing, and it may be as subtle or obvious as the player’s personality. Some look briefly up and to the left, others tug their collars or adjust their belt buckles. One player I knew would change his toupee depending on the strength of his hand, while another would self-satisfiedly massage his genitals whenever he knew he couldn’t lose. I know my own tell well, but I will not reveal it here, for obvious reasons (he scratches his ear -ed.) Once you learn your own tell, after countless losses, prepare yourself before every game by temporarily numbing the pertinent part of your body with a local anaesthetic, available at any games store or casino gift shop.
Phase V: The Bet Phase
Always begin by betting all your chips. After that, you can play it by ear. Betting low is a sign of weakness, and leaves you open to heckles, wedgies, and titty-twisters from the more masculine players at the table. If you have followed this guide, you should win all your money back plus all of your opponents’ every time. If you did read this guide (hint: you did) and this does not happen, try buying another copy; this one may have an inopportune typo.
Conclusion
Now you know everything necessary to be the world’s best poker player. But before you go out there into the cold, knee-breaking world of professional gambling, take a few pieces of advice I wish I’d had before I had my knees broken. First, remember always that poker is a skill game. Unlike games of chance like Blackjack or Chess, you are never in danger as long as you play it safe. Remember also that any misstep or hesitation could cost you all of your money in the world and destroy your credit rating and hopes for the future. Also, have fun! In the end, poker isn’t about winning; it’s about friendship and the journey. But most importantly, always remember to take the jokers out of the deck before you play, as well as that (hopelessly inaccurate) card that tells you how to play poker. If you don’t, you may win the game, but you’ll look like a total brainless jackass.