A Partial List of Euphemisms
These will make everything much easier.
1. Bidge
2. Futch
3. Dan
4. Conk
5. Pushy
6. Asshoe
7. Shish
8. Skunk
9. Motherfutcher
10. Poop
I’m really, truly sorry.
These will make everything much easier.
1. Bidge
2. Futch
3. Dan
4. Conk
5. Pushy
6. Asshoe
7. Shish
8. Skunk
9. Motherfutcher
10. Poop
I’m really, truly sorry.
For God’s sake, don’t make these foods! Send them back to Hell!
1. Piggles – cucumber-shaped pieces of pork, dyed green and flavored with artificial vinegar
2. Live Snake-O’s – baby garter snakes with their tails tied around their necks, kept alive with black magic and sold in a cereal box
3. Retarded Veal – genetically engineered to avoid the ethical complications of eating veal
4. Fartdried Tomatoes – it works if you try long enough
5. Two Girls One Cup-A-Soup – self-explanatory
6. Hannah Montana’s Juice Pack On-the-Go – an IV full of high-fructose corn syrup
7. Can of Beer in Vodka Sauce – also the pull-tab came off
8. Tripe Roll-Ups – in two classic tripe flavors: washed and unwashed
This is a list of unusual fetishes and paraphilias from all across the rainbow of human sexual deviance. Please note that although these may seem obscure, each one is an entire genre of anime.
1. Guilt
2. Skin tags
3. Looking at naked women through frosted glass
4. Elbowplay
5. Passive-aggressive sadism
6. Cankles
7. Replacing samples at a sperm bank with own sperm
8. Misspelled tattoos
9. Triage nurses
10. Ethnic reassignment surgery
11. Asparagus golden showers
12. Exhibitionism in a hall of mirrors
13. Scalies
14. Discreetly feeding cheese to a vegan
15. Internal organ piercing
16. Really tall women with tiny heads
17. Nativity scenes
18. Go-Gurt Bukkake
19. Toupees
20. Nudity
I’m something of an expert in these. Every once in a while, I’ll compile a list of bad ideas just like these and sell it to various large corporations and hedge funds so they don’t accidentally invest in any of them. Ironically, this is in itself a bad idea, but I don’t tell them that.
1. Splattex: A weight-loss pill that encourages exercise by preventing the user from moving their bowels except while jogging.
2. A novel with a surprise ending: the first chapter repeated again.
3. Chia genitals.
4. A magnifying glass that doesn’t work.
5. What if there was, like, a guy with feet for hands?
6. NEPPQSACOSREEE: the National Endowment for the Promotion and Provision of Quality, Succint Acronyms for Charitable Organizations, Social Reform Endeavors and Educational Endowments.
7. Fruits and Vegetables: a reality show in which sassy gay men share a house with bedridden coma patients. Every week the men must vote on which patient to euthanize.
8. A Nazi-themed amusement park to be built on the former site of Auschwitz-Birkenau.
9. A dick-flavored condom.
10. A billion-dollar campaign lobbying the FDA to officially recognise grapes as a berry (name to be supplied by NEPPQSACOSREEE).
11. Non-alcoholic vodka.
12. A hot oreo pizza to be eaten as a dessert after a meal of regular pizza.
13. A commercial which attempts to make the aforementioned oreo pizza seem palatable by displaying it smeared on actors’ faces in increasing quantities.
14. A movie trailer which contains the entire film sped up to fit in two minutes.
15. A charitable organization: We Love Bums®.
16. Family friends with benefits.
Breeders out there, get on it!
1. Cockapooch
2. Dachsweiller
3. St. Chihuahua
4. Pikachu
5. Cocker Spaniard
6. Pointer Setter Retriever
7. Bulldog Frisé
8. Poodlug
9. Lt. Komondor
10. Wartortle
11. Border Commie
12. Shih Chow
13. Schnauzoi
14. Eterna-Puppy
15. Arcanine
16. Corgpanzee
17. Golden Yellow Chocolate
18. Timber Terrier
19. Samoyedale
20. Dalmatron
21. Irish Ratter
22. Miniature Dane
23. Geodude
24. Labradog
25. Husky Pinscher
26. Lhasa Also
.
.
.
OK, some of those are Pokémon.
1. Intuition when Jay Leno is taking a dump
2. Blackdar
3. Teleportation to Cleveland
4. Dinosaur communication
5. Ability to turn gold to lead
6. Immunity to alcohol
7. Unbreakable toenails
8. Brown hair
9. Spontaneous gentrification
10. Ability to cloud the minds of babies
11. Absolute strength of a spider
12. Prehensile intestine
13. Decelerated healing factor
14. Blindness
15. Ability to raise the sleeping
16. Sonic voice
17. Combustible feces
18. Menopause
19. Double-ears
20. Ability to command the loyalty of slugs
21. Omniscience within the Star Trek universe
22. Bionic appendix
23. Invisibility to the blind
24. Flight (but not landing)
Say what you will, but If I ever become a boxing promoter, I’ll be prepared for any contingency. Also, yes; I am an idiot.
1. The Dethrona in Pamplona
2. The Throwdown in Motown
3. The Brouhaha in Omaha
4. The Boxing in Biloxi
5. The Tornado in Toronto
6. The Fight in France
7. The Thunder in Thunder Bay
8. The Fracas in Caracas
9. The Bloodfest in Budapest
10. The Battle in Seattle
11. The Deading in Reading
12. The Bang-Cock in Bangkok
13. The Hassle in Newcastle
14. The Bereava in Geneva
15. The Chernobyl in Chernobyl
16. The Attack in Iraq
17. The Danga in Asia
18. The Evil in Louisville
19. The Fire in Zaire
20. The Pain in Spain
For any poets or lyricists out there, I encourage you to resist using these almost-rhymes. I know it’s tempting, but giving in will just hurt your reputation.
1. vanish / Danish
2. patience / creations
3. underwhelmed / underworld
4. butter / murder
5. elephant / sycophant
6. formica / for Michael
7. tantric / frantic
8. foot / boot
9. torture / for sure
10. anybody’s guess / Alec Guinness
11. mambo / tango
12. trigonometry / sittin’ in a tree
13. bloodlust / mudflaps
14. Lord have mercy / wore a jersey
15. all aboard / starboard
16. Saddam Hussein / so damn insane
17. hip-hugger / buggerer
18. formed a line / formaldehyde
19. nobody / good buddy
20. global powers / golden showers
1. “…you fag-sized candy bar!”
2. “…you pile of twelve turds!”
3. “…you spittle-soaked phleghm-magnet!”
4. “…you ‘roid smuggler!”
5. “…you thrice-great prat!”
6. “…you absolute zero!”
7. “…you human chick flick!”
8. “…you gin-plastered rum-canister!”
9. “…you nonresponsive fucking corpse!”
10. “…you slurp-burping tumblebum pedophile!”
11. “…you once, twice, three times a lamo!”
12. “…you trailblazing cocksucker!”
13. “…you Alsatian redneck!”
14. “…you turd-snurfling turd!”
15. “…you tried-and-true asshole!”
16. “…you portrait of the douchebag as a young man!”
I’m sure any product with one of these names would make you irresistible. If it didn’t, well, that’d just be your fault.
1. Manifest Destiny
2. Pine Zone
3. Left Hook
4. Fire and Ice
5. Plasma Energy
6. Dark Matter
7. Red Tide
8. Slow Burn
9. Earth, Wind, Fire and Water
10. Ancient Mist
11. Lavos Core
12. Citrus Hell
13. Heterosexual Musk
14. Lazer
15. Smell of Gambling
16. Mountain Dew
17. Cro Magnon
18. Burning Rubber
19. Smell You Later
20. Bam!