Matt Nedostup, Ventriloquist (feat. Alphonsebert)
Posted on November 10th, 2009 by Matt
Hot Topic: Bioethics
Posted on August 22nd, 2009 by Matt
Today’s Hot Topic relates to the ethical concerns surrounding modern biology.
Is it ethical to genetically engineer dogs with little hoofs?
On the one hand, the benefits of having dogs with little hoofs instead of paws are obvious: it would be adorable. But what of the drawbacks?
Some say a dog with little hoofs like a cow’s or sheep’s would suffer leg pain, and difficulty walking on certain surfaces. Indeed, the consequences of having little cloven hoofs on a dog could never be known until one is actually created and allowed to live into adulthood in my house. It is entirely possible that it could all go horribly wrong.
On the other hand, there are those who say a dog with little hoofs that go clip-clop would have an unfair advantage over traditional dogs with paws, thus upsetting the balance of nature. These people argue a dog with tiny little hoofs would be faster and have more endurance, as well as heightened efficacy in scratching itself. In this case, the dog with cute little doggy hoofs might supercede normal dogs, rendering them extinct. But would the dogs of the world be happier with hoofs? Again, there’s only one way to know for sure.
What do you think? Let’s get a dialogue going.
Important Safety Tip
Posted on April 13th, 2009 by Matt
Take it from me: when working with large objects, safety is paramount. However, even the best of us can be misinformed when it comes to proper safety protocols. This can be true of any key safety area, whether it be avoiding slips and falls, climbing up and down ladders, or lifting large objects, which brings me to my point:
Always lift large objects with your legs, and not your anus.
Seem unintuitive? That’s no surprise. To most of us, lifting with our anus is as natural as taking a breath, and indeed, for smaller and narrower objects, it is the most effective method. But when it comes to the safety of ourselves and our precious anuses, lifting with our legs is the only choice.
Myth: The anus is the strongest muscle in the body.
Fact: This widely-believed factoid is actually a half-truth. The muscles of the anus are indeed the strongest, but only when it comes to clenching. For lifting and lifted-relating motions, the legs are marginally stronger.
Myth: The anus’s sensitivity to touch is more precise than any other sense.
Fact: The anus contains no more touch receptors than any other orifice on the body. Recent research suggests that so-called “anal whispers” are phantom sensations originating in the cerebellum, and studies have shown that anal Braille readers are no more effective than those who use their hands.
Always remember the eight steps to lifting large objects:
Stand in a neutral position.
Approach the object.
Feel the object with your anus.
Embolden yourself.
Ascertain what sort of handles the object may have.
Nimbly grip the object with your appropriate appendage.
Uplift it using the muscles in your legs or anus.
Set it in its desired position.
Just remember: SAFE ANUS!
A note on handles: the type of handles on the object can be a useful hint for determining how to lift it. If the object has two indented handles on either side, or “hand handles,” it should be gripped in the hands and lifted with the legs. If, however, it has a single, plug-shaped, ribbed handle on the top (”standard handle”) it should be lifted, of course, with the anus.
Gag #1
Posted on April 11th, 2009 by Matt
Hey guys; more than a year ago I submitted a packet of cartoons to the New Yorker. I never heard back (MANKOFF!!!!!) and never submitted them anywhere else. Since then they’ve just been collecting dust, so I’m going to start posting them here occasionally. Tell me what you think.
