301 Graduation Show - Improved!
Posted on July 25th, 2008 by Matt
Hey guys. Here’s the video of the graduation show from my recent 301 level improv class at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre. I tried at length to put it on YouTube and Google Video, but apparently Google is evil. Who knew? Anyway, I’m hosting the full 1GB MPEG-2 file here, so you can just right-click to download it. If you have a Mac, you might need VLC in order to watch it. Also, if anybody with more patience than me wants to try to get it online, be my guest.
Here’s the file and info:
Charlie Todd’s Improv Level 301 Graduation Show
Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre NY
July 19, 2008
Panzer Dragoon IS:
Cathie B
Mimi Jeffries
Tim “Jazz” McGorry
Matt Nedostup
Paul Wielunski
Marty Winslow
Benny the Dip IS:
Jenna Brister
Katie Cunningham
Mimi Jeffries
Mike Martino
Matt Nedostup
Marty Winslow
And YES, I know I mixed up Dr. Zhivago and Dr. Moreau. Get off my back.
ALERT! ALERT! This is not a test.
Please be advised, there is exactly one month remaining until my birthday. Adjust your lives accordingly.
Sincerely,
Matthew T. Nedostup
July 9, 2008
For God’s sake, don’t make these foods! Send them back to Hell!
1. Piggles® – cucumber-shaped pieces of pork, dyed green and flavored with artificial vinegar
2. Live Snake-O’s® – baby garter snakes with their tails tied around their necks, kept alive with black magic and sold in a cereal box
3. Retarded Veal® – genetically engineered to avoid the ethical complications of eating veal
4. Fartdried Tomatoes® – it works if you try long enough
5. Two Girls One Cup-A-Soup® – self-explanatory
6. Hannah Montana’s Juice Pack On-the-Go® – an IV full of high-fructose corn syrup
7. Can of Beer in Vodka Sauce® – also the pull-tab came off
8. Tripe Roll-Ups® – in two classic tripe flavors: washed and unwashed
Do you have any idea how much it would cost to have 500 balloons printed with my face on them? It’s robbery, as simple as that…
This is a list of unusual fetishes and paraphilias from all across the rainbow of human sexual deviance. Please note that although these may seem obscure, each one is an entire genre of anime.
1. Guilt
2. Skin tags
3. Looking at naked women through frosted glass
4. Elbowplay
5. Passive-aggressive sadism
6. Cankles
7. Replacing samples at a sperm bank with own sperm
8. Misspelled tattoos
9. Triage nurses
10. Ethnic reassignment surgery
11. Asparagus golden showers
12. Exhibitionism in a hall of mirrors
13. Scalies
14. Discreetly feeding cheese to a vegan
15. Internal organ piercing
16. Really tall women with tiny heads
17. Nativity scenes
18. Go-Gurt Bukkake
19. Toupees
20. Nudity
Who doesn’t like a good riddle? The answers are printed in white after their respective questions. Highlight each after you’ve given up on answering it yourself. Thanks to Nick for his contributions.
-What’s the sound of two hands clapping in outer space?
Trick question! There’s no sound in space, and also, if you were exposed to the vacuum, you would either be dead or in the process of dying; either way, in no position to applaud.
-How many ducklings does a duck give birth to at a time?
None! Ducks don’t give birth, hens do. A female duck is called a hen.
-What is deeper than the deepest sea
Yet taller than the tallest living tree
Is bigger than the very Earth itself
Yet smaller than the smallest tiny elf
Has strength to lift the greatest mountains up
Yet cannot tip a child’s wooden cup
Is older than the galaxy’s first morn
And yet this morning still has not been born
God.
-What was Abraham Lincoln wearing when he was stabbed?
Trick question! He wasn’t stabbed, he was shot.
-Detective Clomper arrives at the scene of the crime a bit late; the bodies have already been removed, and replaced with white chalk outlines on the floor. He can make out the shape of two young girls, clearly, he is told, victims of a brutal strangulation. The chalk provides a gruesome snapshot of how their limbs must have flailed about in the frantic desparation of their last moments, and, at the particular instant life finally left their young bodies, stopped flailing altogether. There is no blood to be found anywhere. No weapon has been identified. A police chief is talking to his colleagues, informing them that the crime was committed many hours earlier, and the murderer is likely miles away by now. How does Detective Clomper know this is untrue?
Detective Clomper is the murderer.
-I have a face, but no eyes.
I have three hands, but no fingers.
I have a wristband, but no wrist.
I tell the time, but have no watch.
What am I?
A watch!
-You awaken on a beaten stone path in the middle of a dense and fearsome forest. You have no memory of who you are or where you’ve come from. You carry a sword in one hand, and a crumbling parchment in the other. The parchment contains writing in ancient runes you have never laid eyes upon before… at least, not that you can remember… Around your waist is a pouch fashioned from the finest dragonskin. It contains 4 gold kronors, a few mysterious herbs, a black stone, and enough rations to last only a short week. A sense of urgency dawns on you. As you look at your surroundings, you realize how savage they indeed are. You know you must get out of here and seek civilisation before your supplies run out, and before this forgotten forest eats you alive. You consider the beaten stone path and wonder which direction to go. Surely, if you choose poorly, you will be lead deeper into the heart of this unforgiving wood, these treacherous thickets. What doest thou chooseth to do?
Head north, toward the nearest town.
-A male nurse and his son, a Women’s Studies major at Vassar, are in a serious car accident. The man is instantly killed, and the boy is rushed to the nearest emergency room. Once he is on the operating table, the doctor, who is as competent and accomplished as any of his/her colleagues, but whose unisex scrubs and face mask make identification impossible, says, “I can not operate on this male Women’s Studies major; he’s my son.” How is this even possible?
The doctor is his mother, you sexist piece of shit!
-What have I got in my pockets?
Trick question! I’m naked.